I meditate (almost) every morning and learned a long time ago that meditation isn’t about clearing your mind or searching for bliss. Meditation is hard work. You figure out what you are struggling with and then you sit with it. It’s the worst. And the best.
As I sat down to meditate this morning, I recognized a joyful state of mind. A mind filled with gratitude and appreciation for the Spring that was showing up all around my home and in my life. The chair on which I sit to meditate looks out onto bird feeders, and I experienced joy noticing the yellowness of the finch that wasn’t present a month ago, the yellow daffodils that popped out of the ground a few weeks ago, and the flowering redbud that looks nice and healthy.
Aw, yes, Spring. My favorite season of the year. New beginnings I thought; much like beginner’s mind in Buddhism. Beginner’s mind refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions. In this place, there is the possibility of something new. It is a tender space of hope and discovery. Much like Spring.
So, this morning as I closed my eyes for meditation and brought awareness to the breath, the mind wanted to keep opening the eyes to watch the birds and to plan my day in the garden. I reminded myself to begin again. Over and over again, I began again. Joy began to fade.
You know, it’s the “again” that gets me. I can begin stuff all day long, it’s the beginning again that makes my body constrict into a tight drum. “I can’t begin anymore. I’m ALMOST eighty,” I thought!
Suddenly, I’m remembering that during meditation, it’s not that we come back to the breath, but it’s more about how we come back to the breath. As our thinking minds lollygag away from awareness of the breath and get caught up in thinking, remembering, and planning, in what way do we come back to the breath?
Do I get angry about leaving my breath? Frustrated? Do I shame myself for leaving the breath and then hurl myself back to it, questioning the whole time, “Why can’t I just follow my stupid breath? I’m the worst meditator ever.”
It takes hours and hours of resiliency to begin again. Whether it’s in meditation practice or our personal lives, it takes resiliency to begin again, again, and again, and find our way back to the breath that feels comfortable and pleasant.
And instead of striving to “pay attention” or “come back” to the breath, can we simply bring awareness to the breath? Can we find a way back to the breath free from self-shame or getting angry at ourself for losing it in the first place. No frustration, just ease with finding our way back to the breath, to the refuge of ourself.
Can you start again in a way that is enjoyable, and nourishing for you. In Buddhism, to be free is to be able to always start again. When it comes to reclaiming the joy of our practice, Beginning Again offers us the opportunity of experiencing Springtime one more time.
And begin again, again.
With Lovingkindness, Tammy
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